#parents #parenting #children #ChildRearing #independence #CommonSense
A mother complained to behavioral consultant Scott Ervin that her academically talented teen daughter seems to have no common sense.
She couldn’t understand how a kid couldn’t apply her book smarts to real-world activities.
Ervin basically told the mother that the teen needed to experience the real world without her parents.
Ervin discussed the interaction in a column published May 24, 2025, in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
What Ervin is saying is that common sense is not learned in a book. It is learned by trial and error.
He’s also saying that common sense cannot be taught by parents, teachers or anyone else. The student has to acquire it independently.
This interaction calls to mind the concept of “helicopter” parents, who hover over their children’s lives well into adulthood. In the guise of being “helpful,” these parents end up taking an outsized role in all of their child’s decisions.
Also, the interaction brings to the fore the idea that parents have to let go of their children by a certain age.
Many children grow up in overly restrictive households, with way too many rules imposed upon them.
They have no way to get out to learn common sense. Their “sense” is dictated to them.
Children need space to make mistakes. Mistakes are the learning tools for common sense.
No parent wants a child to make a fatal mistake, or a mistake they will pay for the rest of their lives. Still, they need some freedom to learn on their own.
Parents may not want their children interacting with certain other children, or certain other adults.
But, those interactions often turn into positive learning experiences. They could broaden the child’s mind, perhaps beyond the point mom and dad want it broadened.
Parents want children to be obedient, not defiant. However, some defiance can be healthy for a child. It can teach them that some of what they are being taught may not be in their own best interest, even if it is in mom and dad’s best interest.
As author and leadership expert Andy Andrews has said, good parenting is not raising good kids. It is developing good adults. Being a good adult may mean, in some cases, not being like your parents, as the Dr. Rick commercials muse.
The process of growing and maturing must be a healthy combination of good parenting, a healthy bit of independence and exposure to good and bad experiences.
Some things that parents view as mistakes can benefit the child over time. Some of what parents view as “accomplishments” can be meaningless, or even detrimental, to the child over time.
As Ervin advises, give the child his or her own space and time to learn common sense on their own. They will become better adults for it.
Peter
Tag Archives: independence
INDEPENDENCE AND HERDING CATS
#independence #HerdingCats #interdependence #leaders #followers
Independence is a virtue.
We all want to do what we want, when we want, regardless of what others want us to do.
But, complete independence of others, in the real world, not only has pitfalls, but also can be hurtful, even dangerous.
Smart, independent people know when to convert independence to interdependence when warranted.
Cats are known for independence. It’s difficult to get them to follow anything. If they come to you, they do so on their terms.
We often see leaders trying to “herd cats” when too many independent people are under them.
Following a leader, or the crowd, has its own dangers.
Following for the sake of following can result in boring contentment, which can lead to underachievement, even danger.
Smart and independent people understand that, often, success comes when people work together. One can make another successful, and vice versa, when combining skill, talent and ambition.
Of course, for people to come together, there has to be a motive that results in the good of all.
Some independent people look for those who will follow unconditionally. Others prefer to earn followers through their own effort, or their contributions to the overall group effort.
Most parents want their children to be independent. They want to raise them with good values, so they can succeed on their own as adults.
Too often, children become so dependent on their parents that they never leave home. That’s not only a burden on the parents, but also a detriment to the child.
But, as parents raise children to be independent, they want them to learn the difference between independence and interdependence. Most parents would prefer children not only to succeed on their own, but also be an integral part of a community that does good things that benefit all.
So, be independent. But, use that independence wisely. Know what your limits may be, and when you may need help.
The world depends on independent people who know when interdependence takes precedence.
An old adage goes like this: lead, follow or get out of the way.
You can choose to lead, but to lead properly means helping those who follow to succeed. If you want to lead for selfish purposes, regardless of the effect on others, get out of the way.
For smart, independent folks, there are times to lead. There are times to follow. There may even be times to get out of the way.
True independence is knowing when and how to exercise it. Taking care of oneself is honorable, even desirable in some cases. But, don’t put oneself over the common good. That could cost you your independence.
To paraphrase the Golden Rule, if you do for others as you would have them do for you, you are truly independent.
Peter