#parents #parenting #children #ChildRearing #independence #CommonSense
A mother complained to behavioral consultant Scott Ervin that her academically talented teen daughter seems to have no common sense.
She couldn’t understand how a kid couldn’t apply her book smarts to real-world activities.
Ervin basically told the mother that the teen needed to experience the real world without her parents.
Ervin discussed the interaction in a column published May 24, 2025, in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
What Ervin is saying is that common sense is not learned in a book. It is learned by trial and error.
He’s also saying that common sense cannot be taught by parents, teachers or anyone else. The student has to acquire it independently.
This interaction calls to mind the concept of “helicopter” parents, who hover over their children’s lives well into adulthood. In the guise of being “helpful,” these parents end up taking an outsized role in all of their child’s decisions.
Also, the interaction brings to the fore the idea that parents have to let go of their children by a certain age.
Many children grow up in overly restrictive households, with way too many rules imposed upon them.
They have no way to get out to learn common sense. Their “sense” is dictated to them.
Children need space to make mistakes. Mistakes are the learning tools for common sense.
No parent wants a child to make a fatal mistake, or a mistake they will pay for the rest of their lives. Still, they need some freedom to learn on their own.
Parents may not want their children interacting with certain other children, or certain other adults.
But, those interactions often turn into positive learning experiences. They could broaden the child’s mind, perhaps beyond the point mom and dad want it broadened.
Parents want children to be obedient, not defiant. However, some defiance can be healthy for a child. It can teach them that some of what they are being taught may not be in their own best interest, even if it is in mom and dad’s best interest.
As author and leadership expert Andy Andrews has said, good parenting is not raising good kids. It is developing good adults. Being a good adult may mean, in some cases, not being like your parents, as the Dr. Rick commercials muse.
The process of growing and maturing must be a healthy combination of good parenting, a healthy bit of independence and exposure to good and bad experiences.
Some things that parents view as mistakes can benefit the child over time. Some of what parents view as “accomplishments” can be meaningless, or even detrimental, to the child over time.
As Ervin advises, give the child his or her own space and time to learn common sense on their own. They will become better adults for it.
Peter
Tag Archives: helicopter parents
DIGITAL AGE BRINGS 2 TRENDS
#trends #DigitalAge #crime #technology
Youth culture has become less violent, less promiscuous and more responsible.
So writes New York Times columnist Ross Douthat.
He wrote that American childhood is safer than ever before, as teens drink less and smoke less than previous generations.
Violent crime, a young person’s temptation, had fallen for 25 years before the recent post-Ferguson homicide increase, he writes, in a column published Aug. 23, 2016, in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
At the same time, he writes, adulthood has become less responsible, “les obviously adult.” For the first time in more than a century, more 20-somethings live with parents than in any other arrangement.
Certainly, the recession of 2008 contributed to that. But Douthat also points out that the helicopter parent phenomenon, in which parents hover over their children by doing things the children should be doing for themselves, has contributed to the slower maturation process.
Douthat attributes these two trends to technology. “This mix of youthful safety and adult immaturity may be a feature of life in a society increasingly shaped by the Internet’s virtual realities,” he writes.
Let’s explore Douthat’s hypothesis.
When kids spend hours playing video games and otherwise sitting at computers, they are not out getting into trouble. At the same time, they are not out seeing what real life is all about.
A number of experts have written and spoken about the different groups in the workforce, with older workers, millennials and Gen-Xers all needing different things, and all motivated by different things.
But if you are among the older crowd, imagine hiring a 20-something who not only had never had a job, but also hardly had been out of the house in their formative years.
Imagine, too, the experts telling you that YOU have to change the way you do things to accommodate these kids.
Train them the way you were trained, they say, and they won’t last.
Not only are there psychological and mental differences in these kids, many are physically incapable of qualifying for many jobs. The police, fire and military usually have openings, but even if you bring back the draft, many of the recruits are not physically capable of enduring the rigor of military training. You’d probably kill them, literally, before you whipped them into shape.
Think, too, of the social aspects these kids bring. It’s tough to go out on dates when you are sitting at a computer for much of your life.
Of course, not all kids are like that. Some are ambitious, and are looking at bright futures. While others are taught to settle, they dream of what could be if they work for it.
If you are one of those kids, there are many options out there to fulfill those dreams. To check out one of the best, message me. You might come across a story of an 18-year-old high school senior who made more money than any of his teachers.
Technology is both good and bad for us. It is up to us, at every age, to take full advantage of the good while overcoming the bad. Young people must learn skills that will give them a leg up in the work force, while, at the same time, getting up, getting active and interacting live with friends, family and others.
Peter