Tag Archives: disputes

IF PUSH COMES TO SHOVE …

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#push #shove #peace #compromise #disputes #ResolvingDisputes #strength
If push comes to shove … has come to mean that things could go from bad to worse.
Or, it could mean that if someone pushes you, you might shove back.
Does anyone WANT to get pushed, or shoved?
A push, actually, could be positive. A parent, teacher, friend or coach could push someone to be a better version of himself or herself.
That person may shove back by offering resistance, even if they know deep down of the pusher’s good intentions.
On the opposite side, someone may push you to do something you don’t want to do. You may shove back by saying no repeatedly, as the pusher keeps at you.
Technically, push and shove could be synonyms. But, as we understand the words, a push may be gentler than a shove.
That brings us back to the expression. When one is gently pushed, he or she may shove back more aggressively.
We use the expression usually in context with conflicts with others. When the dispute comes to a head, what will we do next?
Some people plan their moves carefully. They anticipate that a dispute will come to a climax, and they have the next move in their back pockets.
Others genuinely don’t know what to do when conflict reaches a point that requires “the next move.”
They could go with their gut and do what comes to them at the time. They could walk away in defeat. Or, a level-headed person could just say enough is enough. Let’s stop fighting and find common ground for peace.
In today’s polarized world, we need more level-headed peacemakers. The great poet and orator Maya Angelou once said. “we are more alike than we are unalike.”
Certainly, we will disagree, perhaps about a lot of things. But, when push comes to shove, what will we do next?
Will we agree to disagree, move on and find agreement on other matters? Will we avoid discussion of topics that provoke disagreement? What if the topic that promotes disagreements MUST be discussed? Avoidance can be a form of cowardice when it comes to those mandatory topics.
In those cases, the noble peacemakers look for common ground. They find compromise. They believe that compromise is a form of strength, especially when sticking to your guns can get you shot down.
While others see weakness in compromise, the noble among us not only see strength in it, but also see it as the best, and only, way to resolve conflict. Defeating others through force is not only weak, but also cowardly and lazy.
Peace via compromise is weapon for good. Though in such cases no one gets everything he or she wants, everyone gets something. That leads to, as the late President Ronald Reagan put it, “peace through strength.”
So, the next time you face a situation in which push comes to shove, what will you do?
Peter

VIOLENCE CREATES MORE PROBLEMS THAN IT SOLVES

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#viiolence #HittingBack #SolvingProblems #bullies #ChickenVsEgg
When we are hit, we usually want to hit back.
Sometimes, hitting back is necessary. In fact, we may have been taught as children that the best way to stop a bully is to fight back. The theory went that once the bully saw that you were gutsy enough to fight back, he or she would stop bullying.
Today, that doesn’t always work. Some bullies actually WANT you to hit back, because they believe they can show you to be the aggressor.
In some battles, the question of who started them can be illusive. The origins of a dispute can go back long before the actual violent incident.
Often, the origin of disputes becomes a chicken vs. egg question. Ironically, they can be irrelevant to the problem at hand. Or, long simmering grudges can be the crux of the problem at hand.
The point is that violence is unlikely to eliminate the dispute that caused it.
Why would someone commit violence if it doesn’t solve a problem?
Those who commit violence are often people with problems they cannot solve themselves. They feel put upon by someone, a group or something(s). They have no way out but to lash out.
Other times, those who commit violence let their emotions dictate their behavior. In human nature, that’s very easy to do. Committing violence makes the committer feel better, because his or her pent-up emotions have been released, albeit in a bad way.
Usually, they soon find out that their problems are not only unsolved, they are in even more of a pickle than they were before the violence. The good feelings of releasing pent-up emotions soon turn, well, sour.
Jealousy is another reason for violence. Someone has what you want, so you get it through violence.
That can work, at least if it is things that a person wants – until the perpetrator gets caught. Then, the problems begin anew.
If one commits violence over a person, like a jilted lover, he or she may not get that person back. In fact, it may cause the coveted person to resent the violent person even more.
This begs the age-old question. How does one solve problems without violence?
Talking certainly helps. Listening helps even more.
When there is both talking and listening, on all sides, agreements can be forged. Or, at least, decisions that violence will not solve the problem can be made.
So, the next time you feel aggrieved, by someone or something, stop. Think about how you are going to solve the problem. No matter how angry you may feel, know that expressing that anger through violence will only compound your grievance.
It’s much more easily said than done, of course. But, if one person can think first before acting on a grievance, there can be less violence in the world.
That one person could then become two etc. Better yet, those two can be on both sides of a dispute. When that occurs, resolved disputes abound.
Peter

POWER: IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU USE IT

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Every dispute, situation or dynamic is centered around power.
Those that have it tend to want to use it to control others.
Those that don’t have it look to find something they can use as a weapon against those in power.
When terrorists cannot implement their agenda, they use terror tactics to inflict damage against those whom they cannot conquer.
When a criminal wants what someone else has, knowing that person would not give it to him willingly, he gets a weapon to force the exchange.
Our only hope is that those who gain power use it to help others, not hurt others.
Anyone can gain power. Most of those who are successful in business, for example, didn’t get there without hard work, good fortune and some help from others. Now that they have achieved their success, are they using it to take from, or give to, others? And, in the process, are they using, or otherwise taking advantage of others to achieve their goals?
Some see power as evil, unless they have it. Power does not have to be evil. It can be very good, if used properly. Of course, it can be evil if not.
How do we use power for good? We use power to empower. We use power we have achieved to empower others. For example, we use our power as parents to empower our children. How? By acting toward others in ways you would want your children to act toward others.
You see, you can tell children anything, but what you tell them won’t matter unless they see you acting the way you are telling them to act. You can tell a child to stay away from drugs, but if you are taking them yourself, chances are your children will follow your actions.
If you are an employer, you can’t expect your employees to give you their best if they believe you are not giving your best to them. They have to see you act in the way you want them to act, and you have to reward them the best way you can if they perform well.
If you are a teacher, your students will follow what you DO, more than they will follow what you TEACH. Actions are the best teacher. Students can learn from books, but they will learn best when a teacher not only acts professionally, but shows the students respect. A good teacher empowers.
Anyone can get power. Almost no one is powerless. One just has to think right, find what they need to get power, then empower.
You are just a “working person,” you say? Your current job may not give you the power you want, but there are many ways outside of your job that you can gain power. For one of the best, visit www.bign.com/pbilodeau. You may find the classic tool to not only give you power, but give you the power to empower.
We all believe that if we had the power, we would use it wisely, and for the benefit of others. For some, achieving power changes them for the worse. Still others who gain power change for the better.
Some who gain power just want more of it, and will do what they must to get it. Others who gain power just want to give themselves to others and empower.
If you had power, would you distribute it or hoard it? Doing the latter could eventually come back to bury you. Doing the former could change the world for the better.
To paraphrase an adage, power can corrupt. Absolute power can corrupt absolutely. But the opposite can also be true. Power can enhance. Absolute power can enhance absolutely. It all depends who has it.
Peter