You’ve heard the stories. A kid grows up in a great family with wonderful parents, then, for some unexplainable reason, gets into trouble.
Perhaps it happened because his parents had a somewhat misguided goal: to raise a good kid.
Andy Andrews, author and storyteller, talked about this when he spoke to the Team National convention in Orlando in July 2013.
He says that parents should not have the goal to raise good kids. Instead, their goal should be to raise kids that will become great adults.
What’s the difference? Look at it this way: a parent tells the story of how their child went wrong when he grew up, and they say they did everything right. But did they?
Some parents believe that if they can keep their kids isolated into their own world for as long as possible, they will have values so embossed into their being that they will never want to stray into the world of drugs, alcohol, crime etc.
Some parents want to influence kids to the point of having a say in whom they marry.
But sometimes, restricting kids can create pent-up demand to explore the outside world. They may want to meet people who are not like them. They will want to see places they were never allowed to see, or do things they were never allowed to do.
Some parents don’t want their children asking questions. They’d prefer to give them only information they “need to know,” and on their terms.
No parent can stop curiosity. No parent can stop the natural feelings children may have for others as they grow older. No parent can keep a child in a bubble for life.
What one hopes for as a parent is that the child grows to make good choices. Sometimes, that might mean exposing them to people who’ve made bad choices while they are young.
In the movie “The Jazz Singer,” Neil Diamond’s character grows up in a very conservative Jewish household. His father tells him that he has to know where he came from to know where he is going.
Instead of being a cantor in a synagogue, Diamond’s character grows up to be a singer who performs pop music in front of huge audiences – like Diamond in real life.
Being a successful performer is not what his father wanted for Diamond’s character. He wanted him to use his talents as a servant to the synagogue. Eventually, the father came to embrace the son for who he is.
Children will become who they are, no matter the circumstances in which they grow up. A parent’s goal is to see their child become a great adult – one who helps others, who has humility, integrity and generosity.
If you raise a child like that, you are a successful parent. The child may get there via a path you did not design for them, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the result on the other end.
Raising good children is fine, but it doesn’t stop there. Watching them make life choices can be painful to you, but you have to love them for who they are. If they get in trouble, help them. If they pursue a life path of which you don’t approve, just look at the result. If they have excellent personal qualities as adults, you did a great job as a parent.
If you have grown to adulthood and are looking to make good choices, visit www.bign.com/pbilodeau. It could be the biggest life-changing choice you could ever make. No matter what you do in life, choose wisely and make your parents – eventually – proud.
Peter
Tag Archives: children
TALK IS CHEAP; DIALOGUE IS VALUABLE
“Can we talk here?”
Comedienne Joan Rivers made that question famous.
The point was not for dialogue. SHE was going to do all the talking.
When parents want to “talk” to their children, presuming they are not yet adults, how interested are the parents in what a child might have to say, unless it’s an admission of wrongdoing?
The parents want to do all the talking.
That point was sung home in the Rod Stewart tune, “Young Turks.” When the boy and girl ran away from home, the boy wrote a letter to the girl’s parents to announce that they had given birth to a son. He apologized that it had to come to that, but, as the lyric goes, “There ain’t no point in talking if nobody’s listening, so we just ran away.”
Talking can be productive ONLY IF someone is listening, and is allowed to talk back. With children, talking back can be a punishable sin. With teens, allowing them to talk may give parents clues about what they are really thinking, what they may be hiding and what they may be planning. Getting a jump on that can mean the difference between keeping the kids at home, or having them run away.
Talking may be cheap. It’s dialogue, and listening, that are valuable.
When people can talk to each other, see the other’s point of view, much good can happen.
Dictators can have power, but that power is dwarfed by good dialogue.
DICTATORS VS. DIALOGUE
In a dictatorship, things can get done. When there is dialogue, things can get done more willingly, therefore better and more powerfully.
When there is dialogue, each side of the conversation may not see ALL the results they are looking for. It may be more like everyone getting SOME of the results they were looking for. That type of talk, usually followed by a handshake, a hug or a kiss, gets the kind of results EVERYONE involved can buy into.
Some people prefer to have guns, or other weapons, do their talking. The results may be desirable to the aggressor, but how much more powerful is resolving a dispute with words rather than weapons?
For that to happen, people have to be willing to accept, even embrace, scenarios they don’t entirely create. They have to listen, talk, and let others talk back.
Some things are best left unsaid. Make sure that when you are having a stressful conversation that you think before you talk. You can make clear what you are thinking without using inappropriate or insulting words. If someone utters such a thing, the listener has to realize it was said in a time of stress. The meaning may be totally different from what the listener perceives, because the listener may also be under stress.
Not all conversations are pleasant. Some don’t have to be unpleasant. Try to make your part of a conversation as informative as possible, without unnecessary emotion. Try to listen hard to the other person’s information without unnecessary emotion.
For a way to earn potentially significant income with less talk and more listening, visit www.bign.com/pbilodeau. Let the tools, and others, do the talking for you.
In general, however, speak softly, listen hard and let others talk back. You’ll sense real power in great dialogue.
Peter